Am I Strong?

If I could choose just one thing I wish people would stop saying to me, it might be this -- “You’re such a strong person.”

There were a whole lot of things people said during my cancer treatment that didn’t work for me. This was just one of them. In fact, I wrote an entire piece called “10 Things Not to Say to Someone with Cancer, and What to Say Instead.” It’s on my blog somewhere, and I think on TikTok as well.

I wrote this in April of 2021, during the first anniversary month of my diagnosis.

"You’re such a strong person, you’ll get through this just fine.”

Really? You know that? I’m not so sure. I’ve survived so much already. What if this is the final blow that makes me curl up and die? I’m not the Energizer bunny. I may not be able to keep coming back.

I’m sick of being told I’m a strong person. Most of the time when people tell me that they’re just saying “Oh good, you’re strong, so you won’t need me for anything.” (Are you listening, Mom?) It’s self-serving. And now that I have a good rant going, may I also say I’m sick of being told I’m brave? Ernie and I have debated this many times. How am I being brave? I have no choices here. Should I get drunk and fly to Fiji? Is that what I’d do if I weren’t brave?

I was listening to a very inspiring rape survivor last week and she talked about the difference between courage and intentional courage. Intentional courage is when you’re scared to death but you do it anyway, deliberately, as a conscious choice. That’s when you know you’re brave. I’m not being brave here. I’m just trying to get through one day at a time. If you want me to feel better, tell me I’m brave and strong but that you know I need support anyway and you’re here for me.