Am I Happy? (Remix)

I began 2025 by asking myself some questions, and I continued to ask more as each month, and each newsletter post, rolled by. I thought it was appropriate now, as the year is winding to a close, to take a look back at some of those questions and share what answers I’ve found. No doubt about it, I worked through some big issues this year.

In January, I questioned my healing process, and whether or not I was, by any definition of the word, “happy.” I felt I was not, and it would have been dishonest to say otherwise. Healing, as I’ve said many times, is a long road, and it doesn’t always move forward. Happiness, for me, is another tough one. I don’t even like the word. “Happiness” sounds like a state of mind, one that you’re either in or you’re not. Every time someone asks me if I’m happy, I usually get mad, or sad, or frustrated. No one is happy all the time, and no one person or thing can “make” you happy. Fortunately, I am a writer, with an extensive vocabulary. If I have problems with a particular word, like “happy,” “healing,” or “forgiveness,” I can easily find another.

In February I shared my long, bad history with sleeping. I’m happy (oops) to say I’ve made a lot of progress here. After several years of working with a sleep doctor and a sleep dentist, and letting go of a lot of my trust issues, I have found a formula that is working well for now. I have a new sleep medication that has worked wonders, and nightly use of an oral appliance has eliminated my sleep apnea. I think my weight loss had a lot to do with that as well, but what I’m doing is working, and that’s enough for me. The numbers from my final sleep test put me in the normal range.

There was lots of talk about me being an athlete in my April posting. While I still maintain my 5-day/week fitness regimen of swimming and weight work, I have been persuaded by several people I trust that I may have been overdoing it. My swim coach encouraged me take one intentional week out of the pool after every three weeks of consistent training. I jumped right on that. Felt great! While I still would like to compete in an adult event in the spring/summer of 2026, I have nothing to prove, and I would do it just for the experience. Enough people are calling me an athlete, so OK, I am one. Sounds good.

Exploring my history with body issues during the four postings in September was very enlightening for me, and from most of the responses I received, for other people as well. Right now, I’m maintaining my new weight after dropping my dosage level of Wegovy. The honest truth is I wish I could drop another 10-15 pounds, but I would just end up with even more loose skin on my lower abdomen, and weight loss surgery is not something I’m considering right now. So I’ll hold here, and if I have to stay on Wegovy the rest of my life, well, that’s what I’ll do. Funny, “the rest of my life” doesn’t sound as long as it used to.

And if I’m being even more honest, I will admit that my lens for viewing my body has changed, and not necessarily for the better. The days of looking at myself in the mirror and being delighted with the changed body I now see are pretty much over. I’ve become critical of myself again, wishing I were just a little slimmer through the middle, and that I didn’t have a belly requiring occasional shapewear. Sigh. Overcoming our culture’s bias against any type of body other than a perfect one is another one of those lifetime “journeys” I wish I didn’t have to take.

In November, I spent some time questioning my musicianship. While I still have a way to go in getting my voice to where I want it, I’ve made progress. I finally found a vocal coach to help me, and after three or four lessons with him I heard some faint echoes of my old voice. I’ve been writing parodies again, and I performed one in November at my first open mic in six years. I have new friends in my new musical arena, and have entered into granting relationships with two organizations I will continue to support. I’m even thinking about some instruction in jazz keyboard playing. Not yet, but maybe this time next year?

I say “not yet” because one of the biggest changes I’m working on is creating that quieter, gentler life I’ve been dreaming about for what seems like decades. Resisting the urge to constantly test and challenge myself. Reminding myself I don’t have to fill every minute with something that sounds useful in order for people to think I matter. Taking the time to enjoy my needlepoint, my singing and lyric writing, the company of friends, and wearing my new smaller clothes. I gave up thinking I had to prove myself all the time quite a while ago. That’s what getting older is all about. Problem is, I still have to learn that I have nothing to prove to my toughest critic: ME!

And finally, about that “happiness” thing – I do have a better word now. I am trying to concentrate on finding “joy.” I like that word. It sounds like something you look for and actually find now and then. And the biggest source of joy for me this year has come from adding two new members to my family. In September, my husband and I adopted the two cutest, sweetest, most adorable kittens in the world. Their names are Laptop and Tablet, and they’ve brought more joy to my home than I ever thought possible. It took me a long time to make the decision, to adopt again, and I’m glad it did, because I wouldn’t have these two special kitties if it had happened any other time, on any other day, than the day it did.

It's the time of year for finding joy. We talk about it, and we sing about it, but it takes more than that. It takes recognizing it when it happens, and I think that’s what I’m getting better at. Finding joy, putting a name to it, and accepting that I am worthy of it.

From me to you, this holiday season, I wish you joy.