Am I A Musician?

As I write this, I’m about to make my musical debut/reprise –at an open mic night about a week and a half from now. I’ll be performing my newest musical parody lyrics to a tune from “Camelot” entitled “I Wonder What the King is Doing Tonight.” I’ve been singing that song for years, usually to my husband, and occasionally after two or more drinks. I saw “Camelot” on Broadway when I was six years old, and it remains my favorite musical of all time. Recently, when an old friend encouraged me to get back into writing musical parodies, it occurred to me that this song, performed in “Camelot” as a soliloquy by nervous bridegroom King Arthur, would make a great opening song for a parody show. It seemed to be calling me, telling me it could easily be re-written into a song about writer’s block and stage fright. 

Not that I suffer from stage fright. I don’t, for whatever reason. Writer’s block? All the time. Particularly when writing lyrics.   

I wrote, produced and performed a one-woman musical in 2019, on my 65^th birthday. It almost killed me. I vowed never to take on a project like that again, and decided to give my voice six months rest. We all know what happened in 2020. Pandemic, and a breast cancer diagnosis. That six-months rest turned into six years. 

I still have no idea why I neglected my music, and my parody writing, for so long. It was just so much work getting back to “normal.” I sing and write best when I’m happy, and boy, I wasn’t happy there for a while. I attempted to continue writing lyrics during breast cancer treatment, and was partially successful. I wrote one about the quarantine, and another about chemotherapy.  I was very proud of myself when I actually got some writing done on infusion days. But at some point, about halfway through chemo, it all stopped being funny. 

What IS funny is that when I dug up one I’d left unfinished, called “Blame It on the Chemo,” I almost laughed my ass off. Apparently, I’d finished it and forgotten about it. A few years later, it was VERY funny. 

What wasn’t funny was the way my voice sounded. I was so worried that I began researching on the Internet to see if there was anything about chemotherapy and radiation affecting the singing voice. I found virtually nothing. Some performers were talking about how their breath wasn’t as good as before cancer, but that didn’t apply to me. I actually went to a very prominent otolaryngologist (say that ten times fast) at Northwestern Hospital to have my throat and vocal cords examined. The good news was that they were perfect. The bad news was that they were perfect. No more excuses. I had to get to work. 

It took a while for me to find a voice coach. Most working teacher/artists in Chicago have very busy schedules. I wanted to find someone who would work with me at home, but that wasn’t happening. I made excuses for myself for at least two years, but last spring I finally took the leap and started working with a very experienced vocal coach that several of my musical friends had recommended. 

My voice is coming along. It took me at least three lessons before I even began to sound like I remembered myself sounding. If I were planning to make my open mic debut with a ballad – something that required lots of range and breath control – I wouldn’t do it. But I’ll be singing my own lyrics, and I can be funny while I do it. Shouldn’t be a problem. As long as I get the chart transposed and marked up properly for my accompanist. My voice isn’t the only thing that’s rusty! 

I have a long and complicated relationship with music. I suffered through years of classical piano lessons with a controlling mother and a teacher with a mean streak. I didn’t want to play the piano. I wanted to SING! But…I was never truly happy with my voice as a solo performer. Instead, I concentrated instead on my ability to harmonize. I’m very good at that. I performed with several different choirs, even an a cappella one.  Not everyone can say that! I told myself for years I could be content singing harmony. I was lying. 

Now, I wonder if I’m doing it again. Limiting myself to only performing my own parodies. After all, once again, I can tell myself that while tons of people sing better than I do, how many people write their own stuff? And perform it in a way that makes people laugh? That I can do. I can do that! 

For once, I know the answer to my title question. Yes, I am a musician. I play the piano, I sing, and I write funny stuff. I guess the question for myself now becomes, what kind of musician am I? And is this something I want to keep putting into my life, now that this “third act” of mine seems finally to be underway?  

For now, I’ll keep up with my lessons, keep writing parodies (there are two more in the works) and figure out how best to manage all the sheet music and other paraphernalia. Especially with two new kittens jumping over me and my laptop. 

I do want to keep being a musician. As long as I get to be MY kind of musician. As the song says… “I’ll do it my way.”